The Bald Story – Part 1

Why do people find bald people funny? No, they don't find them funny. They are simply jealous that they can't feel the wind blowing directly on their heads.

I started losing hair as early as when I was 15 yrs old. But who cared about such things, at that age.

So by the time I had finished college, my hairline was going
North. My parents became worried that I will lose it all soon and they started taking me to Doctors. Derma… whatever they are called. The first person I visited* told me about hair loss and blah blah blah, he also prescribed some medicines. Lotion, tablets, oinments, a huge list. (What a waste of paper?) So I got the medicines from Muthu Pharmacy in Chetpet and then dumped them in the Cooum River.(I was not eco-friendly then) Then my mom bought the medicines again and made me take them religiously. Well it was a nice way to show off my tablet eating talent. There were about 5 pills for the morning, I would chew on them and have them without any water. (I know I should have a freak show of my own).Anyways with all the pill popping, everyone kept telling that hair seemed to be growing out of my head. Then one day I saw the "Say No to Drugs" ad on T.V. and I said "bye, bye pills" and this time I dumped the strips in the Adyar River. (Still not eco friendly)

Then it was time for me to do the disappearing act. So I disappeared in Chennai and resurfaced in Delhi. 2 years of Non-stop bliss. I started shaving the hair on my head. Girls loved my bald, badass, bindaas look and I always had some girl who would want to touch my bald head. (Hmmmmm… Girls have such soft hands.) Girls always wanted to do some project with me. He he he. So lots of projects and lots of girls. It was fun while it lasted.

But my parents still could not see a lost cause when they saw one. So they took me to the next doctor during one of my vacations. This doctor is on P.H.Road Chennai. He took, what he could, of my hair and then sent it for testing. (God knows what they test for!!!) So when I visited him next he said, "You have Male Pattern Baldness, Type 5" (So now they had classifications. Looked like those Derma whatevers had decided in their Maanadu to classify baldness) Then he gave me the pep talk, "Nothing to worry about, Aravind" I told him "Ayyo, Doctor Naan kavalai paddalai"("Oh Doctor I am not worried"). He gave me a pitiful look and continued "I will give you a shampoo, wooden comb and special soap." I asked "Doctor, how much is it gonna cost me?" He gave me a figure in thousands. So I told him "Sorry, doc thats a lot of money. I want you to understand that I am only losing my hair and not my brain" He did not seem to understand the funniness(new word), so he went on with his blah blah blah. By now I was checking out the hot nurse, yes she was steaming hot. I knew from the look on her face that she wanted to feel my head. So I gave the doctor the money for the stuff, he wanted to sell to me, just so that I could go with the hot nurse to pick it up from the store room. So now I was fantasizing about me the nurse and the store room. Wow a threesome!!! Yeah but it just stayed a fantasy, cause the nurse stepped out alone, got the stuff from the store and gave it to my mom who was in the lobby.Now I realized why doctors hire, Hot Mallu Women as nurses. It is just to rob people like me. That's when I started hating Doctors.

To be continued…

* I visit doctors, I don't consult them. Just visit them and say "Hey doc! Good to see you.I wanted to make sure your children get a good education, that your wife has fun losing money at kitty parties and that you have good food to eat and that you are not riding all the white skirts." then I donate some money for him. I am a practising Socialist. And one day I am gonna be… Wait for it… Coming out in a moment…

LEGENDARY.

BALD HEADED MEN is a song by Christine Lavine here are the lyrics…

I don't like men who exaggerate
about the places they've been
about the money they've made
I like a man who's honest and true
You can look him in the eye
When he's talking to you
I like men who accept who they are
Not everyone can look like a movie star
If you can follow this thought
to it's logical end
You can see why I like bald-headed men
. . . ooh, I like bald-headed men
Everyone knows that it's testosterone
that turns bushy-haired men into a chrome dome
But testosterone is what makes a man a man
The more that he's got the more that he can
Do the things that make the women go "Oy!"
I'll take the bald-headed man over a big-haired boy
Big-haired boys make very good friends
But they cannot compare to bald-headed men
I've said it before
I'll say it again
I like bald-headed men
So why did you waste your money
joining that hair club for guys?
Oh, why would you cover your manly badge of honor
with such a bad disguise?
Oh, why would you throw away money on Rogaine and Minoxidil?
When all they can guarantee are years and years of pharmacy bills
. . . please don't do it!
I believe the hair replacement industry for men
is like the cosmetic industry for women
A giant black hole that will suck your money away
for the rest of your life
. . . please don't do it!
No matter how you fight it, time marches on
Some new things appear, some old things are gone
Let it move – – it's a natural thing
Like a leaf on a tree or a bird on a wing
Try looking in your mirror from a whole different place
You're not losing hair, you're gaining face
Be confident! Be cool! It won't be long when
You are bound to be one of the bald-headed men
Said it before
I'll say it again
I love bald-headed men

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